Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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