i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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