I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
