I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My feet surprised me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
