today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
