so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
