I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
