Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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