Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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