A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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