i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
