She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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