Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
