K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
