Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Welp...herpes.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
