i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
