We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
