Your dad touched me again.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
