He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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