Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
