No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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