So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
