Where did you get a picture of my penis
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
