I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
