Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize