My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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