Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Of course I have a pirate flag
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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