i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
