you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
