YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize