wrigley field is MILF paradise
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize