my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
