sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you win again, gameday.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
