i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
