why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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