Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
