are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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