Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
