if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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