i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
