and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he shaved USA in his pubs
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
