Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
