I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
