i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
