I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
