His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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