So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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