And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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