My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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