its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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