I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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