Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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