I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize