So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
