if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
