i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
