My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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