What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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